If I were to rewind my life, back to 3 months ago, and someone was to tell me then that I'll find happiness again, I would have laughed cynically, and tell her she doesn't know what does love means.
I was in a disastrous relationship. One that I could not get out, because I love too strongly, and yet, I was not happy, because I was not loved, the way I wanted myself to be loved.
I spent months crying, and thinking that I'll die without him. Therefore, holding on to the vague hope that I would end up marrying him in 2 years time, I gripped on tightly to my already failing relationship.
Friends were there for me, constantly telling me to give up. It hurts them, to see how I shrivel from a healthy looking girl, to a stick-thin, bamboo looking fellow. I lost my appetite, I had sleepless nights. I worried so much.
And as things got from bad to worse, I was in anger, and I accumulated lots of hatred towards the guy, for not treating me right. And yet, I chosed...to hold on...
When everything broke lose, and the heart-wrenching breakup took place, my life was in a total mess. And never had I, a second thought that I could stand up again, and better stil, be happy again.....my life ended there. The clock stops ticking. I was a walking human,without a functioning brain.
My bestfriend told me, "Don't turn back....keep walking straight, you'll see light after the tunnel. You'll be rewarded freedom...." And all I could think off was, I am in an enclosed tunnel. There will never be sunlight.
Have you experienced it before? When you love so much, and it turn to a total 180 degree change, where you hated, and loathed the guy so much, you made up your mind, you can never be friends with him ever again. You can never forgive him for breaking your heart so many times, and the amount of pain he subjected you to endure? yeah...exactly....what I felt back then.
Little did I know, the only way to truly let go, is to forgive. And when you forgive, you stop hating. And when you stop hating, you stop recalling the past. And that's when.....you start looking at happy things around you....and start appreciating everything in life....and allowing new people to come into your life......and find happiness again.
I can't help feeling that it is like a miracle that I can type my entry without feeling sad, or wasted...or rather, any emotion of anger. However, I feel peace, and with a slight feeling of relief, as well as gratitude towards him for hurting me so bad, because now, I am able to look back, and not ask myself the same question over and over again, "Could I have done better?".
Putting blames on myself, was the easiest way to accept the truth that things were over, but, was also the most painful way to let go.
Weird enough, I could stand up again in just 3months, shed no more tears, look at things differently.....maybe...we were never meant to be. And I thank God for letting this breakup take place, for I'll never know how does it feel like, to be rid off emotional baggages.