Saturday, October 31, 2009
I was in a disastrous relationship. One that I could not get out, because I love too strongly, and yet, I was not happy, because I was not loved, the way I wanted myself to be loved.
I spent months crying, and thinking that I'll die without him. Therefore, holding on to the vague hope that I would end up marrying him in 2 years time, I gripped on tightly to my already failing relationship.
Friends were there for me, constantly telling me to give up. It hurts them, to see how I shrivel from a healthy looking girl, to a stick-thin, bamboo looking fellow. I lost my appetite, I had sleepless nights. I worried so much.
And as things got from bad to worse, I was in anger, and I accumulated lots of hatred towards the guy, for not treating me right. And yet, I chosed...to hold on...
When everything broke lose, and the heart-wrenching breakup took place, my life was in a total mess. And never had I, a second thought that I could stand up again, and better stil, be happy again.....my life ended there. The clock stops ticking. I was a walking human,without a functioning brain.
My bestfriend told me, "Don't turn back....keep walking straight, you'll see light after the tunnel. You'll be rewarded freedom...." And all I could think off was, I am in an enclosed tunnel. There will never be sunlight.
Have you experienced it before? When you love so much, and it turn to a total 180 degree change, where you hated, and loathed the guy so much, you made up your mind, you can never be friends with him ever again. You can never forgive him for breaking your heart so many times, and the amount of pain he subjected you to endure? yeah...exactly....what I felt back then.
Little did I know, the only way to truly let go, is to forgive. And when you forgive, you stop hating. And when you stop hating, you stop recalling the past. And that's when.....you start looking at happy things around you....and start appreciating everything in life....and allowing new people to come into your life......and find happiness again.
I can't help feeling that it is like a miracle that I can type my entry without feeling sad, or wasted...or rather, any emotion of anger. However, I feel peace, and with a slight feeling of relief, as well as gratitude towards him for hurting me so bad, because now, I am able to look back, and not ask myself the same question over and over again, "Could I have done better?".
Putting blames on myself, was the easiest way to accept the truth that things were over, but, was also the most painful way to let go.
Weird enough, I could stand up again in just 3months, shed no more tears, look at things differently.....maybe...we were never meant to be. And I thank God for letting this breakup take place, for I'll never know how does it feel like, to be rid off emotional baggages.
Here it goes....
Girl wanted to bathe, so took her towel, and headed to the toilet..
She didn't realise, she was being followed....
Okay, Zombie a.k.a monster..got killed again by tiger/cat..seriously, she didn't even know what was her character.
Great character? No?
Btw, at the end of the night, my hairband/knife got stolen by a fat guy.
And yeah..I spent hours, and lots lots of effort to get rid of the blood stain. And, there is stil this faint line on my face. *argh*
Thursday, October 29, 2009
I nearly fell asleep in class just now. The lesson was pure boring. Not because the lecturer is not good. He is a superb *hugz. Love him to bits* lecturer, but I simply couldn't concentrate. I didn't take proper breakfast, and my stomach was growling non stop.
Talking bout eating to begin with. I am the only walking soul here, in my flat, who eats so miserably, you'll think I have been put on a tight budget. But, the most amazing part is, I seem to be the only one here, whose weight keeps on inflating. *argh!*
Now, look. How can it possibly be happening.
Breakfast: Hot chocolate + 2 slices of bread with strawberry jam and butter.
Lunch : Normal chinese dishes with rice. *damn small portion*
Dinner : Yogurt + Pear + coffee with oats + 1 piece of chocolate biscuit.
Where did it go wrong???? How can it go wrong??
Hence, I have restructured my food menu.
Breakfast will only consist of hot chocolate with Oats. But I'll be allowed to nibble on some biscuits once in awhile. *I love my biscuits..they are coated with chocolate. No way am I going to rid them off the menu*
Lunch will be dishes minus the rice.
Dinner will be boiled vege + coffee and oats during night time.
Enough said! I need to materialise my plan. Wish me all the best for it.
Friends have been pestering me to attend tomorrow's Halloween party.
Yes. I am THAT interested to go. You know....THAT interested to go. I mean, seriously, only THAT interested to go. Ok, I am NOT interested to go. Currently, I have developed a liking for my books. I love to study, and it doesn't feel like a burden anymore. The satisfaction derived from being able to answer the questions, are so much better than getting high in parties.
Anyway, one can ask oneself, how often do you get to attend Halloween party? Given the fact it is only once a year affair.
So, I'll be going for costume hunting tomorrow afternoon. You know what, I'm actually thinking of saving my money by maximising the usage of what I already owned. Such as....wearing my bathrobe there. It can be a costume, no?
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I was exhausted from walking and the shopping has drained all my senses away.
We were in the train heading home, when I kinda felt panic, and sad for spending one whole day in the city centre, and not studying.
The sky looks peach black, gloomy, and definitely nothing that indicated I will be reaching home in time for dinner.
In my head:
"Shit, so if I get home around 11pm, I'll need to burn the midnight oil tonight...haiz..fine, whatever...will study till late night then."
In his head *I'm guessing* :
"Shit, I won't be in time for dinner, will need to buy Kebab later."
Hence, upon disembarking from the train at the platform, he went to the Kebab shop to pack his dinner.
He: Want to eat something?
Me: No. Not hungry *feeling glad and proud that I didn't feel a tad hungry eventhough it was THAT late*
He: Sure? Want to come over for pizza?
Me: No, it is very fattening to eat dinner THIS late. *why none of us take the trouble to look at our watch????!!*
He: okay then.
With our shopping purchases held tightly in our grip, we rushed our way back. It was dark, and scary...cold, and the wind was NOT helping.
And then, *must be his sixth sense told him to do so* , he look, grasped his breathe....
He: WHAT?? It is only 6pm????!!!! I should have gone home to cook.
Me: WHAT?? I'll have time to laze around before studying. Shit. Why is it that dark??
So, I used awhile before my body started to adapt to the changes in time zone here in UK.
And just when I thought body and me *mental* is starting to do great, *I'm sure you people are aware of this*, UK switched the time an hour earlier. Seriously, I think I'm going nutcase with the one hour time difference, either that, or body and me *mental* have never been adjusting well from the start, after all.
I feel sleepy at the wrong time, hungry late at night, full during lunch time, energetic when I'm supposed to rest, and I don't feel hungry during dinner. Damn.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Upon arriving at Manchester...we were dead hungry. Too bad, none of the restaurants were open then, so all we could do, was to snap a picture outside.
I hate the wind that day...my hair was all tangled up. :-(
Okay..truth is, I strut in front of this poster, not because I know who he was, but more of, I could pose like him. :-)
David Beckham....the yound rising star..who looks so much better now.
Unleasing the embarrassing moment in Manchester United museum....
It definitely didn't help much, with this being featured as one of the poster.
Nevertheless, I will still work hard. Taking things for granted is just not my style anymore.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Covet is the second fragrance from Sarah Jessica Parker, this one offering a seductive, feminine scent brought together with a modern touch. Placed with the tag line "I had to have it" certainly rings true as the blend of florals, fresh green notes and sensuous woods will definitely draw ...
Sarah Jessica Parker Covet
Pros: Good Smell
Best Uses: Everyday
Describe Yourself: Budget Oriented
Love the fragrance.
Friday, October 23, 2009
everynight, all you do is burying your head in tonnes of books.
everynight you worry whether you'll make it through your studies.
You drink coffee to keep yourself awake, and it causes you stomach ache.
All you want to do, is just to make your parents proud.
You have Uni exam on 24th Nov, ACCA final papers on 9th and 11th Dec.
With a 15,000 words dissertation waiting for you, and you haven't even decided on the perfect topic. Your heart desire for the best, and you want to do your best.
And a message popped out in your hp, after a long silence from your mum..asking you to chat on msn.
When the webcam is on, the call is through,
and all you hear is this....
"My friend's daughter passed one of her final ACCA paper, now she has one left. *yes. I have 2, what big difference does it make??!!* ...can you see..how people have proper planning, and take things one step at a time, and make sure she passes it. Look at you!!Just look at you!! *yes, look at your stupid daughter here with last 2 outstanding ACCA papers, and is pursuing a bloody master. Doesn't she know her ability is limited??!!!* ...look at people's daughter. See...people know what she wants in life. *yes, I do too, if not, why the hell would I be here??!I only know in my life, there is nothing as I want it to be like this, or like that. It is always, what can I do to make my mum proud of me.If I am given the bloody option to choose,I'll choose to rot at home.Choose to postpone my ACCA, choose to enjoy life here first, rather than to sign up for the ACCA papers, and having to deprieve myself of sleep and opportunities to visit around.*
Why can't parents learn to appreciate the effort their children put into living up to their parents dream. The outcome may not be as expected, but so what? At least, I do my duty well, and I bloody know so.
This is so depressing.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
(Me, flipping through the rack of jersey.)
He: What are you searching for??
He: For you? Your bro?
Me: No...for me. I think girls look great in jersey. (picking one up) ..look, isn't this nice??
He: yeah..buy it if you like.
Me: No, this is Chelsea.
He: (choose another uber fabulous piece) ...nah..how about this?
Me: This is MAN U!!! I want LIVERPOOL!!!
He: (placing it back) oh..ookkkayy...
(he took up another, making sure it is with the Liverpool logo on it)
He: This is a nice Liverpool jersey...
Me: I want Nike shirt with Liverpool logo on it. This is Adidas! I hate Adidas. (Me, pointing at Man U jersey) ...look, I want it to be like this, but with Liverpool logo on it. (me,sulk even more)
(he, giving me this appalling look..*&$#@)
He: Are you mad? Liverpool is sponsored by Adidas, where are you going to find a Nike jersey with Liverpool logo on it??? *&$#@.....
(Me, was thrilled over the idea of buying my brother a Liverpool jersey. So, was day dreaming about what to be printed behind the jersey)
Me: Hey, do you think I should have my bro's name on the jersey? As in “HAN”??
He: No. You should put “Gerard” there. I'm sure your bro will love it.
Me: No. It is either his name, “HAN”, or “OWEN”, cause my bro is a big fan of Owen. (Me, recalling how my bro used to sign his name as Owen Han during school days).
He: WHAAAARRRTTTT???? ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....Owen is in Man U now. Your bro will kill you for putting Owen on Liverpool jersey!!! Anyway, I don't think the shop will do that for you.
Me: (damn blush) ..Ooppss....okayyy then....
So, yes...I do know L.O.T.S about football. I know they have 22 hot hunky guys running after one tiny ball. I know I was madly obsessed over Jerzy Dudek (did I even spell his name correctly??) back then during secondary school. Yes...I do know about football. STOP! Lolz....
What I love about UK:
I love it that I don't need to wash my clothes everyday, because I don't sweat.
I love it that I can wear anything I like, and no one even cares. (I wore a damn pajamas out to the bus stop the other day, with boots!)
I love it that their western food is divine.
I love it that I get to wear boots here! (You'll be a total nutcase for wearing boots in Malaysia, let alone having your legs perspired in your boots)
I love the scenic view here.
I love the castle here. (I have a thing for old ancient stuff)
I love it that I am force to cook for myself.
I love it that I'm staying with a bunch of friends. (Never a moment of loneliness)
I love it that I can do lotsa online purchase.
I love it that they have many products that are not available in Malaysia.
I love it that I can slap on tonnes of moisturizer on my face and still not end up with oily skin.
I love it that I can do lotsa visiting.
I love it that I can experience something new in my life.
And best of all, I love it that, eventhough I have lost love, I am still able to find excitement, and joy in life, and to love small little things, that make up the bigger picture in life.
Here is my little sushi treat, made specially by my flatmate, using just normal rice, instead of Japanese rice *it is expensive, ya know, to buy Japanese rice here..*
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Was I flabbergasted by it?
How do you think Malaysians should react when they see...a chicken running around? A peacock wondering about, and Petaling Street look alike rats being paraded in glass enclosure,with cool names given to it, and the statement "ancestors are believed to be originated from ASIA"?
This was the only animal that got me going oooohh...aahhh... Red Panda! It belongs to a family of racoon and bear. But thus far, it falls into neither one entirely.
-I hate that Cadbury has bountiful of choices here. (i'm a loser when it comes to chocolate)
Friday, October 16, 2009
Me: When you can't see anything.
He: Why can't you see anything?
Me: Because there is no light.
He: Darkness is when there is absence of light.
He: Darkness does not exist. Only light does.
He: What is sadness?
Me: When there is absence of happiness?
He: Sadness does not exist too. You will only see sadness, when you don't see happiness. So,you have to find happiness. Appreciate the things you have, and you'll be happy.
Me: Like what?
He: Everything that you have now. Even drinking water can be something great, if you learn to enjoy it.
I acknowledge that there are like a zillion doctrines, and motivational beliefs to get life going.
To make the fallen feel a sense of worthiness. And to help the doleful souls get through everyday with a smile.
However, recently,I have the tendency of slipping into a world that is so alien. I search so deep down into myself, trying to unveil what is truly in my heart.
Trying to understand myself once again.
For I think I have lost grip on my sentiment. Behaving indifferent to everything around me.
Friends kept reminding me, of how ungrateful, and unappreciative I am towards the opportunity that befalls me.
"DO YOU FREAKING KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE WOULD DIE TO BE IN YOUR SHOES? YOU ARE IN UK NOW. CAN YOU PLEASE APPRECIATE IT!!!!!!"
The faint roar from my bestfriend is stil ringing in my ears.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
"What is love".
Written by a German nun...he got it during his trip to the temple.
I promised him that i'll blog a summary of it here, and as you can see, I haven't been touching anything bout it thus far.
Before I came to UK, I was deterred to do so, for my fear of incorporating too much of my very own personal story into it.
Now that I am slightly calm again, I feel that I should fulfill my obligation.
Too bad, I did not bring the book along with me. And it will definitely not do justice to the book, if I start scrambling on just the vague idea I have of the content.
In spite of that, I do remember unmistakably one purposeful saying.
And it is well said just as below:
"LOVE IS THE QUALITY OF THE HEART, JUST AS, INTELLIGENCE IS THE QUALITY OF THE MIND"
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
My friend got me tempted by explaining to me how cheap she bought her Dermalogica products...all from reliable, licensed distributor.
Therefore, after a whole night of browsing through numerous sites, I ended up venturing into fragrancedirect.co.uk
Priced at 8.50pound, this gotta be a steal man.
I click on it right away, completed the required details. And...boomzz.....
I got my reference number.
It took just a day of waiting, and my much anticipated perfume arrived.
Love it to bits...and I know, many of you will be really bewildered by just how cheap I paid for it. Trust me, in Malaysia, it will be called splurge, and not steal.
Now I proudly present you.....
Sarah Jessica Parker-Covet
Lastly....I'm sure you people remember I mentioned just up there, this 50ml Covet, cost me 8.50pound...right?
Monday, October 12, 2009
So, as I was near to concluding, I WANT TO GO HOME! I headed down to London.
The offer came at the right time, when I really needed shopping therapy badly.
I crashed, 3days 2 nights in my friend's ancient, backdated to Victoria period, house. It is small, and cosy, but really proved hard to walk about.
It was like killing two birds with one stone. Met up with another old friend, Jhuen Ri, and it was like a momentus gathering..
Was really happy. And boy was I in love with London.
Though many people in Birmingham love to claim that Birmingham is the second largest city after London, but behold, London is way way mindblowing than Birmingham.
Due to time constraint I wasn't in time to tour some other areas of interest.
Nevertheless, I stil plan to stop over in London in the forseeable future. *lodging is free!!! Hooray!*
Found this "Jom Makan" Malaysian restuarant near Trafalgur square. Too bad, I had my lunch already.
I plan to try some of these when I stop by Covent Garden the next time.....but for now, I really am unable to explain how do they taste.
More pics.....wait for my updates in facebook!