Random thoughts...

And I was sitting there, smiling at last...for once..after so long, I could finally be myself...there was no need to pretend, no need to keep my thoughts to myself....no need to wonder.....
He is the only one I could discuss issues about life, about meaning to live, about life after death, about beliefs, about differing opinions etc...
He said this to me,
"To look life in the face.
To know for what it is.
To love it.
And to put it away."
He said, he strongly believes that for everything, there is always a timing. When the time is not up, not right, things don't happen.
When it is the time, you will eventually know what to do. Or things just happen.

One thing we both agree...it always make us feel better, when we have a reason to wake up. When there is hope, when there is a reason, when there is a meaning to life.

For now, I am struggling to understand...what life is all about.
To learn from it, to take it as a process, to enjoy it, and then to let go....because till the end, nothing last forever.

Fair?

Why do people keep talking about wanting fairness in life...equality....yet they don't practise what they preach?
What is the point of wanting the whole world to act fair upon oneself, when one don't treat others with the same amount of fairness?
Why do some people put all the blames on others with no mirror to look at oneself? Self review?
Why do some people, bring others into their life, with no intention to make good out of it?
Why do some people, go on to do the things..though knowingly it will hurt others?
Is it true that I need to make decision in life? Doesn't it sound more like life makes decision for me?
I decided to stay, to fight for what I want. To believe in it, though all I was grabbing on, was just nothing but air. Was I so blind, to fight an uphill battle? Or more so, that I was stupid enough to fight for it?
Yes...decision lies in my hand. And I chose it so. And why doesn't it look like I made the right decision?
So, how can one say, that human needs to make decide on their life?
When all one can see, is how life closes all paths, all routes,leaving one with no other options, no other choices. Is this fair? Is this called fair?

I can't comprehand it. How can one fall..so much? How can one change...so much? How can reality differs from fantasy...so much? How can I, of all people, feel like a piece of crap. Someone like me...who used to think so much of herself. Who dares to dream so big a dream, people would think I have no mirror to look at myself. lolx.
Where has my dignity gone to?
Where is my ego?
And i thought i was an arrogant fellow.

I gotta find myself back!
Tan Wei Ern! Wake up!!!!!!!!!

One step at a time.

Since I was young, I thought my life was laid out....not in the most perfect manner..but in an averagely acceptable way. My achievement, my progress, my relation with friends and family are all good. I don't question about life that much. I was happy to believe You did everything for me, to ensure my life is smooth sailing.
I know, in life, there are ups and downs. People go through pain, to get laughter. You are always fair. You ensure everyone has the same amount of happines and sorrow.
But why do I go through months of pain, and heartaches? Without any way to start realizing I could walk out of it without fear.
Deep in me, I fear to face the fact. I lack the encouragement to make the decision.
And I thought, I was strong...

I am grateful I have friends...whose support, keep me going.
And I know I'm a disappointment to them.
I know it hurts them to see me fall.
I know if there is anything in the world they could do to help me stand again..they would go the extra mile for me...to ensure I could smile again.

But at the end of the day. I know, only I can help myself.
-God will only help those who help themselves-

Everything happens for a reason....
I hope this is happening for a good course. I have faith that after a long walk in the cave, I will finally see ray of hope in the end...and emerge as somebody better.

Surprise me to see this..

I used to blog in friendster before I started out blogging in blogspot instead.
Surprise me that, after so long, and forgetting what i had been writing there..someone link me over to my long forgotten diary...
This is a cut and paste of it:

"Girls rulezzz….!!!
Recently, I met up with 2 old friends… and we talked about lots of things, about life, and studies. About, past, present and future. It’s funny how people often pose me this question, "Are you stil single?", and their response will always be the same to my answer, "Why??", "How come"??….haha…yes,I am stil single, and so what if I am stil single.People view life as…to grow up, study hard, have a gf, marry, have a career, have kids, and you will have a perfect life. Well, I have a different view towards my life. But I ain’t going to leak anything about my plans, just yet.Yes, I admit, having a perfect bf is every girls’ dream. To meet their prince charming, and to have him sweep you off the ground. But, the truth is, there is no prince charming. This world is full of, either too manipulative guys, or too dumb guys….and nothing in between.I stil remember how I often explain it, over and over again to my mum, and friends, that I have yet to come by someone that fits my bill….someone fluent in English (preferably Eng ed),musically inclined, filial son, gentleman, and posses brains at least enough to gain respect from society. And, I will always remember how my mum always says, IN YOUR DREAMS!!Yaya…better in my dreams than to hook up with people just for the sake of getting a companion.Ning always tell me, that I am in the wrong place, at the wrong time. That TARC is not a place for me. Hm….maybe I should have accepted my dad’s offer to change to Sunway…haha…maybe my prince charming is there??…..But, who cares, to me, the most important thing, is to be happy with what I have now. And, I do thank god, for everything I have now.I read, in someone’s profile, that " Friends are forever, and guys are whatever"….hey! A very good saying indeed!!!
So, yay! To my "ji mui", esp the one with the most probs with her bf…..don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. Don’t let him determine where your life should lead to. This is the world where girls rule now!!"

I must admit. For me to read that again..I am filled with embarrassment. How could I write such a thing without even putting myself to test..on whether I'm able to walk the talk.
I remember telling my friends who are unhappy in their relationship, to just dump THE guy, and move on. There are so many fishes in the sea. There are so many trees in the forest.
Why be with someone who doesn't appreciate u?
Why put up with a jerk?
Why deprieve yourself of knowing better guys?
Why make yourself so worthless?
Can you believe it? It all came from ME!! ME!! ME!!
I wonder..will I ever be able to think like that again?
I search deep into myself...keep asking myself with tonnes and tonnes of questions...with no answers at all.
Why do i feel like I have been badly defeated now?
Why do i feel like I am no more myself?
Will i ever wake up one day...and be able to think out of the box instead?

I love reading Xiaxue's blog...and here is a quote from one of her recent blog that enables me to see hope in my own life.

"One day just snapped out of it and realised that I'm at least worth a guy committing to me instead of just playing me around. A man who'd love me and think I'm perfect. Not a man who thinks the next girl might be better or more suitable for him than me.Fuck that shit. I fucking had enough of JERKS who think they are all that! I'd rather be single than be treated like a dispensable and slightly used plastic fork!"