Memories..

I’m finally back to home sweet home.
It’s weird how feelings, and thinking change in just a spilt second.
Once, I used to adore the idea of being in KL. Skyscrapers, big malls, nice clothes, trendy people, I am always at awed by all these.
Now, I hate KL. I despised it so much. For everywhere I go, everything I see, I see memories I hope can be wiped out.

Few days ago, lunch farewell was supposed to be a nice one…until they talked about playing pool. Pool was my favourite game, and is still my top love. But at the moment, I just hope all pool tables will disappear.
Just to travel from one place to another in KL, causes so much soreness to me. But, as much as I can try avoiding, I can’t totally NOT pass those places, or really NOT step into there.
Like what I was telling Chia How, that I am really scared to go certain places, I hate it here so much. He shrugged it off, telling me, “Oh well, you never know, maybe after 8 months in UK, Mid Valley collapsed, KLCC bombed. You never know.”

I was so engrossed in trying not to think so much, not to look around, for just standing in the LRT itself, is painful enough for my heart to swallow. I entirely did not notice where I was heading to. I was heading to meet Kitti for dinner…and she asked me to stop at Taman Bahagia station. Little did I realise,I was bringing myself to face my nightmare, face to face.
Once I got off, I stared right into the familiar surroundings…a call to Kitti, and she asked me to wait at the bus stop. Tears instantly came rolling down. And I was cursing the hell out of Kitti for wanting me to come over here. Trying not to look pathetic, I pick up my phone, called Kat, and chat with her till Kit arrived.

I really really loathe the idea of staying put in KL. Flood my head with reminiscences that I desperately want to erase. If only our brain can work like a computer… “control-alternate-delete”..and “boom”…everything gone! Reminds me of the show ‘Doll House’…they extract whatever memories they want out from the person’s head, and insert other memories they want, into the person’s head, so that when he/she wakes up, he/she will remember herself as a different person. Sounds kinda scary actually, if such technology exist in reality.

But this is what I have learned…
The more you try to avoid, the more you’ll bump into it.
The more you try to get rid off it, the more it’ll haunt you.
The more you grab on it, the more it’ll slip away.
The more you hate it, the more you’ll learn to love it.
And when you truly love it, that’s when you’ll lose it.

This is life. Or at least, my current belief in life.

How can my tears roll down again...

How can this happen again?

After the 3 days of continuous crying.....I put an abrupt stop to it. *it's all about determination*......up untill today..I would have been proud enough to announce that I am finally strong again....but then...

........when I open my room door, staring back at me, the Mashi Maro....so innocent, so empty.
It shatters my heart all over again, thinking of what lies ahead for it. And tears couldn't stop rolling down my face.

I want it to be loved. But I can't keep it, it only reminds me of my miseries.
I can't send it back, for I know it won't be loved there either.

What can I do?

Tarot cards.

I am definitely NOT a believer of tarot cards. But, currently, out of boredom, and out of curiousity, I invited my friend's sis to a tarot card reading session which she so claimed to be accurate. I thought, at least, it'll give me something to ponder about.

I have been to one years ago, and my my.....the cards were all wrong, the interpretation sucks. And it cost me RM35! I didn't think it was a waste of my money. I love mystical stuff, requires lots of wondering, and at times, leaving you struck.

I'll quote what the internet says about tarot cards:

"Tarot cards have been used for hundreds if not thousands of years to gain insight, see patterns, give counsel and even predict the future. No one is exactly sure how the Tarot works. One theory is that all things are connected and nothing happens by chance, and that the Tarot, like the I Ching, is simply a method of revealing these workings of interconnectedness or synchronicity. All that really matters is that the Tarot does work. "

It does make sense to me. But, seriously, I believe more in, I, make my own destiny. However, one point has kept me wondering about this statement I love to make, "does coincidence, happen coincidentally?"

Cause, this ain't a joke, man. So, the story goes on...

I sat down, and the psychic asked me, "what would you like to ask?"

I turned to look at my friend's sis, blankly, *what the hell am I suppose to ask*

(look back at the psychic), I told her, "everything, anything people often ask about"

So, she proceeded..spread the cards....very sambil lewa-ish...."pick ten cards, with left hand ONLY!~"

Fine....me...pick...pick..pick...

She....arranged...arranged....arranged...

(she, look up at me).."you going oversea to study?"

WTF!!!! Me....shock! Me...lagi puzzled! Me...amazed! Me...speechless!

And the whole session went on...and on...with her reading stuff out from the cards...and me...(would have grabbed at my head in surprise for every shit that she said that took me off guard...that I NEVER thought she could read out from the cards..which is freaking perfectly ACCURATE! and PRECISE!...) *WTF!*

At some point I look at her, I'll imagine me sitting opposite a witch? A gypsy lady? Don't know...it's just weird.

After googling awhile over the net, I found this:

"No one is exactly sure of the origins of the Tarot. One theory has them firmly tied to the teachings of the Jewish Kabbalah, with the 22 cards of the Major Arcana corresponding to the 22 letters of the Hebrew alphabet. Another theory would have them used by the Masons of ancient Egypt. Still another has their form influenced by the practices of Tibetan monks. In any case, the first decks weren't seen in Europe until the 15th century when they started showing up in Italy.
Please keep in mind that the Tarot is not is "evil" or "magic" or even "psychic". It is important to remember that the cards have no power in and of themselves. Each deck is empowered by the belief system of its user, and consequently Tarot card meanings may vary slightly by culture. A person might be drawn to an Egyptian, Celtic, or Native American deck, for example, depending on the myths and archetypes with which that individual most identifies. But no matter which deck you favor, remember: the cards can be used to reveal situations and events - they cannot create them. "

Oh..whatver man...I only know that there wasn't much bad stuff out from my cards only for the -YOU GOTTA BECAREFUL WHEN YOU DRIVE THIS MONTH-

Would I believe it? NO! (I always say, listen to the good stuff, and ignore the bad. Dwelling in the bad, will just make YOU create the bad thing) and today I drove my car, the tyre, squash to the side of the pavement, couldn't go forward, neither backwards. Had to engage the help of one kind uncle (no, he's not that old..ahaha) to help me get my car out.

Coincidence? Haha.....you tell me.

Food poisoning...

AGAIN!!...

AGAIN!!..

I am busy enough with all the packing I need to do. And the dilemma of what to bring, and what not to bring..
And the arguements I need to put forward with my mum, on why I want to bring certain stuff she deems unnecessary.

I am so tired....moody...and my stomach hurts...*sob*

I want to walk a quite path.

I want to feel inner peace so badly.

I want to feel whole again.

I want to know life is indeed beautiful.

Picking up pieces of myself..broken and shattered isn't something easy to do. But weird enough, I never expected myself to progress that well.

Feels like a stone has been lifted. But yet again..something missing.

Those time that I have wasted...however much I regret about it, I can never turn back the time.

Can only learn to appreciate it more now.

To know better what I want in life.

To makesure I don't walk the wrong path again.

All I feel like doing now. Is to sleep and not wake up.

How bad can it be?

For each time that I thought, "this is the worst"....little do I know...the worst has yet to come.
I don't know whether I should be proud of myself...that I have proven it well that I can really withstand anything in life now. However painful, however miserable it makes me feel, I can stil pull through my days. Though, I am wondering whether the constant headaches I'm suffering are due to me having to learn to accept things. Accept what life is, accept how my life will never be the same as others. Accept the consequences of my own doings.

"The things that don't kill you, make you stronger."
Yes, what an inspiring saying..but I can't help it but to wonder...what if it kills you in the process? How will you live to be stronger then?

I hate my days. Every night I wonder..I thought every human has equal chances of being happy, and sad. Why are my days always full of rain. And no matter how hard I hope, and pray, and make sure I do my part well, I still can't see any sign of rainbow.
If I'm destined to live like now...for the rest of my life....I'd rather choose to die young.

<3

These Ferrero Rocher were given to me by someone. Things are picking up slowly, but steadily. Though still having certain bugging feeling once in awhile. I have learned well to take control of my emotion lately.
Love, to me is the biggest gamble in life. It is so flimsy, and fragile. Trust can be broken anytime, heart can be shattered any moment. And yet, though as bitter as it may be, some people choose to hold on. Stronger ones choose to move on.
At least, I can say, I am now at peace. I don't feel overly happy. Neither do I feel sad. Something deep in me, is helping me to cope with my daily life. Some sort of feelings that I find it hard to explain.
Anyway, this kinda remind me of a quote I heard fom the series-Heroes........


To Love,
may we stay away from it,
when it is no good for us.