It's like rojak in my head now.

I have so much of mix feelings these days.
I look at life with so much negativity, I think it just makes me look like a grumpy old lady.
I complain and complain. Yack and yack for hours about how miserable I feel. How life aint treating me fairly.
I look around, I compare, and I feel sorry for myself.
Being sorry for myself, just aint doing me any good. I feel even worse off.

It is so bad to the extend, I prefer to go out alone. Unless I'm accompanied by really good and close friends, if not, I'd really rather be alone, shopping, watching movie, etc.
I hate it that I need to act like I'm so happy, I need to fake a smile every now and then, so that people don't feel irritated by me grieving over the past.
Doing things alone, I can pause awhile, stare into space, allow myself to digest some of the facts in life. Some of the happenings. Some of the truth. ....I have been running away from.

The echoing of a great friend's advice, is still very fresh in my mind.
" You need to be honest to yourself. Face the truth. Suffer from the hurt. And then you will heal."

Is it really true, that when we start changing our perspective about life, about misfortune that befalls us, we will be happier, and live a more fruitful life? Looking at everything bad into something to be joyful about?

My bestfriend believes that everything happens for a reason.
My religious friend believes everything happens for a cause. KARMA.

It would be more comforting to hold on to the former, than to the latter. Cause then, I will feel even more miserable, thinking and reflecting on what have I done to deserve all that is happening now.

Talking bout perspective.

Was my bday few days ago. I did not have any celebrations. I work late.
I felt so upset.
I had to literally beg a friend to take dinner with me.
I kept going about it...that my bday is so pathetic.
Finally, I guess my friend couldn't keep her patience, she questioned me,
"do u realise, you are very pessimistic?"
"I am eating with u now, and I'm buying u dinner with a slice of cake"

Yes. I failed to see that, on a brighter side, I had tonnes of friends wishing me. And at least, I had a friend who was willing to take dinner with me, and I had a slice of my favourite chocolate indulgence!!

I can't live like this forever. I need help.