Realization.

Have you ever waken up one day, and come to the realization that whoever you're dating now, just isn't the right one?
And deep down inside, you know that in your quest to look for your future husband, the best thing you can do for yourself is to give this one up.
But as much as you assure yourself that you'll be alright, there is just too much emotional attachement involved, the courage you have inside, though growing stronger and stronger each day, you're still unable to convince yourself that letting go, would be doing yourself a great favour.
Instead of waking up each day, wondering into space, why you put yourself through such torture. And faith is the only thing that keeps you holding on. Holding on, believing that things will fall into pieces on its own. And believing that going with the flow is how life should be.

It seriously does not work this way. Yes, sitting here and whine till dawn meet dusk, nothing is going to change...unless someone do something about it. And if neither have the courage to voice out, then we'll both be jolly well stuck in our own comfort zone for God knows how long.

I'm just as emo as these pictures:

THE look.

No. This post ain't going to be anything bout look. I'm just trying to be creative with my title, and it's quite obvious that I failed miserably here.
Anyway, well, something related to the title, a picture of myself.


Life is just a mess now for me. I don't know how much to disclose here, knowing that my blog is made public, I need to weigh the consequences of writing too much personal stuff here.
But at the moment, I think I'm having a pretty screwed up time. Don't be deceived by the smiling photo above.

My lovely family.

It has been 3 months since I last saw my family. I never thought I would miss them that much, until they came to visit me. They were actually on their way home from Singapore. It was a short holiday trip for my sister. Dad insisted to stop by KL so that they can see how I'm doing.

Clear enough, I have put on weight. Not much I would say. However it looks obvious in photos and Ning told me so, that I look round in my big blog picture. That picture was taken by the bf when I visited him in Leicester on 4th Nov 2010 till 13th Nov 2010. It was a week's trip. I didn't manage to snap lots of pictures, because surprisingly winter this year came way way earlier than expected. And we were so cold, neither of us were willing to stop for long out in the cold just for some shots of the scenaries...which of course, now back in Malaysia's hot and humid weather, I kinda regretted not enjoying shivering in the cold.

Working life obviously took its toll on me. I spend at least 15min per day staring into the mirror examining my face everyday. Wondering when will the evil fine lines and wrinkles start forming. I put aside portion of my salary just to make planning for future investment in more reliable skincare. I don't fear aging. I just want to age gracefully.

But, of course, looking on the bright side, the one definite thing I enjoy about working, is that I have reasons to put on makeup everyday. The more I use, the faster it'll finish, and the sooner I can start going shopping for more stuff. I'll write more bout my working life next time.
As for now, I'm just thankful I have supportive family and my sister has apparently grown up to be a lot wiser and mature than before. And of course, being the ever so envious me, I hate that my sis looks good in everything she wears. Her fashion sense has imporoved by leaps and bounds. She makes me feel like and old aunty.

I'll be back soon

I know I've been missing for way too long.
I've been having too many things to juggle than I can with both my hands.
Pardon me, but I'll be back soon.
Really soon.
Just be patient.

<3

Photos

The boyfie has been randomly stealing to take candid shots of myself. I didn't know that until recently when I heard non stop clicking on his mouse during webcam session. So I curiously enquire bout it, and was so surprise to know he has a whole collection of my candid shots.
These are the few he sent to me for personal viewing. I thought, since I haven't been uodating my blog consistently, might as well just load these few pictures in.
Have a great day!

Work!

I haven't been updating my blog for a long time.
Work has been great so far. Training these days, with LOTS of test to sit for. I must emphasize. Very Very hard test. But it was great. Made many new friends. And people in my work place are really nice. I don't know whether it is too early to make the assumptions, but I think I've made th right choice after all. I don't hate the fact that I need to get up and walk my way to work. So I'm guessing that I do like what I'm doing. Though I was forwarned that when peak season is up, that will be the end of my happy days. Lol. But if working late nights mean working with a group of funny and helpful people, it is not that bad.

I thought I would have problem making new friends. But i was surprise that not only did I make many new friends, I could even joke and got along well with an aunty, and an assistant manager.

I think, the next thing I need to start planning, is to buy extra working clothes. Dress well, and it makes a whole lots of difference.

I'm really sorry to dear readers, as I don't think my blog will be updated regularly as I'll be busy with work. However, I will still blog once in awhile to keep my fellow readers alert of my life.

Till then. Love ya!

Ungrateful?

I think, it is just me against myself.
For the passed few weeks, I've been randomly getting upset over petty issues with the bf. Late calls, late replies, not enough attention from him...and the list goes on.
I don't know why, I'm just so filled up to the brim with negativities, that at one point, I thought I was suffering from depression, or rather, maybe I did actually suffer from depression?? Who knows.
Sobbing over webcam, complaining about the bf's lack of affection and lack of attention had been a daily issue until at last, thank God, I finally came to my senses that I need to have a life of my own. Either that, or I'll need to look at things on a different perspective. I thought it over and over, I told myself, I've gotta do something before it's too late.

So far, I've been on very good track for one week already, and I can see the bf is enjoying our webcam session recently.
Sometimes, I do feel ungrateful. I don't know why all the fuss over insufficient attention and the inadequate time allocated for me, when I think, he has done, what most guys can't do, or rather prefer not to even try doing.
It is a daily routine, out of willingness, not demanded from me, morning call to inform me he is up, and going to class. 11am+- he'll call to tell me he has a short beak. 1pm, another call to tell me he is having lunch break. 2pm+-, call to inform me he is going for class again. 4.30pm, call to let me know his class has ended. Rush home, webcam a short moment with me, then it will be my bedtime, and his dinner time. I'l sleep, wake up early in the morning, which is his night time, and webcam for another half an hour to an hour, depending on his mood, and mine.
And despite all that, I go about complaining that I feel neglected, Every. Single. Day, without fail.
Sometimes, I wish someone would tell me how to feel happy now, be thankful for the present, and stop worrying shit bout the future. Cause, obviously, I'm having a wonderful present, no?
All I care about, day and night, is to worry whether there will be a day that he'll wave goodbye to me for someone else. At times I get so pissed off at myself, because why wouldn't it be that one day I'm the one waving goodbye to him instead? Why must I be so negative? And why wouldn't it be that I'll be happily married to him instead? Why must I surround my thoughts only on how people will hurt me, and how I'm so destined to be unfortunate?