Not so good

Today I'm drifting in and out of my thoughts again.

Flashbacks are not always good.

I hate falling back to the same point.

I really wonder, will I be truly happy one day.

Nothing is certain.

It hurts to live this way.

I am always told, only I can help myself, but how.

Have I not done enough yet.

Faith is the only thing left to hold on.

I feel pathetic bout myself.

It's like rojak in my head now.

I have so much of mix feelings these days.
I look at life with so much negativity, I think it just makes me look like a grumpy old lady.
I complain and complain. Yack and yack for hours about how miserable I feel. How life aint treating me fairly.
I look around, I compare, and I feel sorry for myself.
Being sorry for myself, just aint doing me any good. I feel even worse off.

It is so bad to the extend, I prefer to go out alone. Unless I'm accompanied by really good and close friends, if not, I'd really rather be alone, shopping, watching movie, etc.
I hate it that I need to act like I'm so happy, I need to fake a smile every now and then, so that people don't feel irritated by me grieving over the past.
Doing things alone, I can pause awhile, stare into space, allow myself to digest some of the facts in life. Some of the happenings. Some of the truth. ....I have been running away from.

The echoing of a great friend's advice, is still very fresh in my mind.
" You need to be honest to yourself. Face the truth. Suffer from the hurt. And then you will heal."

Is it really true, that when we start changing our perspective about life, about misfortune that befalls us, we will be happier, and live a more fruitful life? Looking at everything bad into something to be joyful about?

My bestfriend believes that everything happens for a reason.
My religious friend believes everything happens for a cause. KARMA.

It would be more comforting to hold on to the former, than to the latter. Cause then, I will feel even more miserable, thinking and reflecting on what have I done to deserve all that is happening now.

Talking bout perspective.

Was my bday few days ago. I did not have any celebrations. I work late.
I felt so upset.
I had to literally beg a friend to take dinner with me.
I kept going about it...that my bday is so pathetic.
Finally, I guess my friend couldn't keep her patience, she questioned me,
"do u realise, you are very pessimistic?"
"I am eating with u now, and I'm buying u dinner with a slice of cake"

Yes. I failed to see that, on a brighter side, I had tonnes of friends wishing me. And at least, I had a friend who was willing to take dinner with me, and I had a slice of my favourite chocolate indulgence!!

I can't live like this forever. I need help.

Disappointed.

I am so disappointed with friends around me now.
Is it true that people move on to a different direction at certain point in life? And forget their friends whom they used to laugh and talk to everyday?
I feel hurt that sometimes, approaching close friends to talk, just simply lead them to misunderstand me as having "issues" to talk about.
Can't I chat with them if I am free, and so happen to see them on MSN?

My mere "Hi!" or "Hey" or "Hello"
received response like this, "Now what?" or worse still, "what do you want?"

I believe so much that I am blessed with great friends, and now I come to realization, people change. They move forward. And it is me, the only one, who chooses to so stubbornly stand at the same spot.

Very much like a robot

I wake up everyday, going about the same routine.
Stare at the ceiling for some time, before I drag myself out from bed, get ready for work, stare again into my cupboard with almost not many work attires to choose from.
Since when have I stopped having interest in clothes? I have been so occupied with work, shopping has been the last thing on my mind.
Everyday,I constantly complain like a machine, tuned to go about grumbling bout the same issue over and over. I hate my life, I find fault with myself, I allow myself to go deeper and deeper into miseries, I have lost control over my own emotion. And days after days, I hate myself for becoming someone I didn't know I could be. A personality I never thought existed in myself all this while.
What happen to that happy-go-lucky girl?
What happen to the girl who used to be so contented with life, she didn't think she needed any changes at all?
What happen to the girl who loved going out, be it late night parties, or just occasional drinking sessions?
What happen to the girl who made shopping the ultimate love of her life?
WHAT HAPPEN TO ME?

Trying so hard each day, to patch my life back, bit by bit, it is painful, tiring and very mentally exhausting. All the confusions I have inside myself, my bundled up emotions, the emotional baggage I carry, and the drifting thoughts I have, I don't know where my life is leading to.

I guess I have made history in my life by exhausting friends of their patience to console me, to comfort me, and to tell me, everything will be ok.
I feel so miserable deep inside. With all the unachieved dream I have. All the hope and effort I put into things I do, leading to negative consequences in the end.
As much as I want to lead a simple and normal life, there is just the greed in me, that yearns for something more.

Life is so frustrating when one after another events happen, making me understand that,
"EVERY SUCCESS COMES WITH HARDWORK. BUT NOT EVERY HARDWORK ENDS WITH SUCCESS."

This feeling sucks

People often say, when you hit rock bottom, what will the next thing to happen?
Is that you go up.

How true is that? When I analyse my life, and to realise that I have been hitting rock bottom for like what? More than 18months. And I'm still swimming in the deep blue sea, all I can feel is, yes, rock bottom. Can't even see the sky above to even visualise days of happiness..

I look around everyday, observing different people in life. Some are simply too good with hiding and burying their feelings, while, some, like me, gets emotional very fast. Of course, the weaker ones always lose out in every aspect.
Recently nothing seems to flow with me. Everything is so wrong. I do not want constant excitement, and continuous laughter in life. But I guess, a little peace and harmony wouldn't be too much of a request??
Why do shit happens? To make you stronger?? and how? how does it even help?

I'm so not happy here. So.Not.Happy.

Dear God, is it too much for me to ask for some changes? Bit of enlightenment. Some motivation. Courage. And self realisation? Have I ask from You too much when I was younger, and this is how I should repay for it?

Realization.

Have you ever waken up one day, and come to the realization that whoever you're dating now, just isn't the right one?
And deep down inside, you know that in your quest to look for your future husband, the best thing you can do for yourself is to give this one up.
But as much as you assure yourself that you'll be alright, there is just too much emotional attachement involved, the courage you have inside, though growing stronger and stronger each day, you're still unable to convince yourself that letting go, would be doing yourself a great favour.
Instead of waking up each day, wondering into space, why you put yourself through such torture. And faith is the only thing that keeps you holding on. Holding on, believing that things will fall into pieces on its own. And believing that going with the flow is how life should be.

It seriously does not work this way. Yes, sitting here and whine till dawn meet dusk, nothing is going to change...unless someone do something about it. And if neither have the courage to voice out, then we'll both be jolly well stuck in our own comfort zone for God knows how long.

I'm just as emo as these pictures:

Ungrateful?

I think, it is just me against myself.
For the passed few weeks, I've been randomly getting upset over petty issues with the bf. Late calls, late replies, not enough attention from him...and the list goes on.
I don't know why, I'm just so filled up to the brim with negativities, that at one point, I thought I was suffering from depression, or rather, maybe I did actually suffer from depression?? Who knows.
Sobbing over webcam, complaining about the bf's lack of affection and lack of attention had been a daily issue until at last, thank God, I finally came to my senses that I need to have a life of my own. Either that, or I'll need to look at things on a different perspective. I thought it over and over, I told myself, I've gotta do something before it's too late.

So far, I've been on very good track for one week already, and I can see the bf is enjoying our webcam session recently.
Sometimes, I do feel ungrateful. I don't know why all the fuss over insufficient attention and the inadequate time allocated for me, when I think, he has done, what most guys can't do, or rather prefer not to even try doing.
It is a daily routine, out of willingness, not demanded from me, morning call to inform me he is up, and going to class. 11am+- he'll call to tell me he has a short beak. 1pm, another call to tell me he is having lunch break. 2pm+-, call to inform me he is going for class again. 4.30pm, call to let me know his class has ended. Rush home, webcam a short moment with me, then it will be my bedtime, and his dinner time. I'l sleep, wake up early in the morning, which is his night time, and webcam for another half an hour to an hour, depending on his mood, and mine.
And despite all that, I go about complaining that I feel neglected, Every. Single. Day, without fail.
Sometimes, I wish someone would tell me how to feel happy now, be thankful for the present, and stop worrying shit bout the future. Cause, obviously, I'm having a wonderful present, no?
All I care about, day and night, is to worry whether there will be a day that he'll wave goodbye to me for someone else. At times I get so pissed off at myself, because why wouldn't it be that one day I'm the one waving goodbye to him instead? Why must I be so negative? And why wouldn't it be that I'll be happily married to him instead? Why must I surround my thoughts only on how people will hurt me, and how I'm so destined to be unfortunate?

How?

How do you learn how to be happy and grateful for the things that happen out of your expectation?

How do you learn not to be upset, and anger bout things that don't happen when you expected them to happen?

How do you learn to focus on the positive side of life, rather than to magnify all the negative aspects of it?

I always pride myself as an easily contented girl. But truth be told, I am not. I don't even know where to derive my happiness from. How to live a fruitfull life. Or to even acknowledge the fact that I have almost a near perfect life compared to many other people in poorer countries, or to those disabled people we often bump along the way. I know very well that it is already a blessing to be able to wake up everyday and find myself breathing. Being alive itself, is a reason to put a smile on the face and march through life.

But why is it, in the end? I am still not happy.

God

Give me the courage to believe and live.

Let me have faith.

Allow it to flow well.

Hope what I ask for is not too much.

I promise to be a better person.

Just please grant me THE wish I desperately want.

And I thank God for giving me a supportive dad.

Thoughts flying about

This life of mine, I look back, and wonder is there anything that I would love to change about it??
Very often, people said that, everything in life happens for a reason. You'll fall, stand up again, and learn from the mistake, make sure no more falling again, but you'll eventually still fall *chuckles*, stand up, learn from it, try avoiding the same mistake, fall again, stand up, learn again, and be more careful, but you'll fall again........stand up, learn.......Gosh!!
Now, I finally understand how life works. Falling is unavoidable in life.

I am so torn apart. Many decisions to make. Some will lead to happiness, and some to sadness. Some will gurantee short term pain, but long term joy.
I hate to think that every decision in life, we make it, and we shoulder the consequences. No such thing as pointing fingers at others. And no such thing as blaming people for giving wrong advices.

At times, I tend to wonder whether I should be grateful for these things that are happenening to me now? Or these are just temporary situations that will lead to mass destruction of my life one day.

Follow your heart...oh, follow your heart....
Gotta follow my heart closely, and pray for the best.

Part 2 of Rome

Bf and I have been doing well. Webcam, consistent calls and messages from him. I've never felt that secured before in my life.
Staying home is very boring. Especially in ulu kedah.
Can't wait to get my ass off here. Maybe to KL for shopping? But then again, dad gave me only RM100 and expect me to survive with it till 6th June. How pathetic can it be?

I was so surpirse when I came home and check out my sister's wardrobe. There were so many freaking damn pretty dresses in it. Good thing we are of the same size. It is time for me to do some stealing!!

I am nearly rotting off, beside the fact that I'm supposed to be studying for my last ACCA paper.
But I have no mood. I just feel tired everyday.
And my mum is giving me a hard time here. So effing pissed off.
Feel like grabbing my bag and catch the next train off to KL. Too bad I have no where to stay for the next one month if I'm there.

Anyway, all the emo-ness apart, these are some pictures of Rome.

Emo-ing

Recently been in a state of emo.
Finally concluded...that fear, is the caused to human's downfall in moral value.
Where do greedy and selfish attitudes stem from?
When one fear, afraid of losing. Afraid of being taken for granted. Afraid of being taken advantage of. Afraid of every single thing that revolves around one's life....thus leading to being overprotective of oneself. Conscious over others' actions. Overly sensitive in relationship.
Small example like, being afraid of losing out in exam, leads to not lending notes to friends, which further contribute to being secretive about the knowledge possess, and then, about not wanting to share, and the big picture is, getting upset and jealous when friends score better in exam.
If only human don't know that greed and selfishness exist in this world...... not knowing, does it also mean, not inculcating such attitude, thinking and behavior?
I always pride myself since young, of my constant strife to improve myself, not superficially, but more of my mental state. Hate feeling the bugging need to deal with my split personality.
One moment, I'd be an Angel, the next I will be filled up to the brim with hatred, self loathe, insecurity, possessiveness, revenge.....and then, I take a minute, pause, breathe in the fresh air, clear my head of negative thoughts, and I'm all cool again, trying to make things end on a positive tone.
But life shouldn't be like that, no? I can't be in both categories, the Biatch, and the lovely girl next door, ever willing to lend a helping hand.
I want to straighten things out with myself. I need to make drastic changes. I need to get myself back on track. This is taking a toll on myself. It is damaging.
I won't lie about not being envious over how certain girls can be so blissful. How they can tolerate, and be the ever considerate friend/ girlfriend.
I guess, I can too, when I am able to delete the word "FEAR" from my life entirely.
Sometimes, being good really won't hurt. And so what if someone abuses your kind deed, and thoughts? Or your sacrifices?
I finally thought through it, though it may be hard for me to put it into practice in real life, but I know, to lead a happier life, I must make it a point to acknowledge my faults, see them, greet them, and wave goodbye to them, making sure they never turn up on my doorsteps ever again.
A friend always tell me, "he reaps what he sows". And as a strong believer of karma. I should really start ditching my ridiculous, and sometimes retarded attitude.
I'm open for enlightenment. Throw me your thoughts, please.
Love!

Emo..

Right on the unfortunate day, a friend came by, and gave me this book...titled...
"What is love".
Written by a German nun...he got it during his trip to the temple.
I promised him that i'll blog a summary of it here, and as you can see, I haven't been touching anything bout it thus far.
Before I came to UK, I was deterred to do so, for my fear of incorporating too much of my very own personal story into it.
Now that I am slightly calm again, I feel that I should fulfill my obligation.
Too bad, I did not bring the book along with me. And it will definitely not do justice to the book, if I start scrambling on just the vague idea I have of the content.
In spite of that, I do remember unmistakably one purposeful saying.
And it is well said just as below:

"LOVE IS THE QUALITY OF THE HEART, JUST AS, INTELLIGENCE IS THE QUALITY OF THE MIND"

I want to walk a quite path.

I want to feel inner peace so badly.

I want to feel whole again.

I want to know life is indeed beautiful.

Picking up pieces of myself..broken and shattered isn't something easy to do. But weird enough, I never expected myself to progress that well.

Feels like a stone has been lifted. But yet again..something missing.

Those time that I have wasted...however much I regret about it, I can never turn back the time.

Can only learn to appreciate it more now.

To know better what I want in life.

To makesure I don't walk the wrong path again.

All I feel like doing now. Is to sleep and not wake up.

How bad can it be?

For each time that I thought, "this is the worst"....little do I know...the worst has yet to come.
I don't know whether I should be proud of myself...that I have proven it well that I can really withstand anything in life now. However painful, however miserable it makes me feel, I can stil pull through my days. Though, I am wondering whether the constant headaches I'm suffering are due to me having to learn to accept things. Accept what life is, accept how my life will never be the same as others. Accept the consequences of my own doings.

"The things that don't kill you, make you stronger."
Yes, what an inspiring saying..but I can't help it but to wonder...what if it kills you in the process? How will you live to be stronger then?

I hate my days. Every night I wonder..I thought every human has equal chances of being happy, and sad. Why are my days always full of rain. And no matter how hard I hope, and pray, and make sure I do my part well, I still can't see any sign of rainbow.
If I'm destined to live like now...for the rest of my life....I'd rather choose to die young.

Fair?

Why do people keep talking about wanting fairness in life...equality....yet they don't practise what they preach?
What is the point of wanting the whole world to act fair upon oneself, when one don't treat others with the same amount of fairness?
Why do some people put all the blames on others with no mirror to look at oneself? Self review?
Why do some people, bring others into their life, with no intention to make good out of it?
Why do some people, go on to do the things..though knowingly it will hurt others?
Is it true that I need to make decision in life? Doesn't it sound more like life makes decision for me?
I decided to stay, to fight for what I want. To believe in it, though all I was grabbing on, was just nothing but air. Was I so blind, to fight an uphill battle? Or more so, that I was stupid enough to fight for it?
Yes...decision lies in my hand. And I chose it so. And why doesn't it look like I made the right decision?
So, how can one say, that human needs to make decide on their life?
When all one can see, is how life closes all paths, all routes,leaving one with no other options, no other choices. Is this fair? Is this called fair?

I can't comprehand it. How can one fall..so much? How can one change...so much? How can reality differs from fantasy...so much? How can I, of all people, feel like a piece of crap. Someone like me...who used to think so much of herself. Who dares to dream so big a dream, people would think I have no mirror to look at myself. lolx.
Where has my dignity gone to?
Where is my ego?
And i thought i was an arrogant fellow.

I gotta find myself back!
Tan Wei Ern! Wake up!!!!!!!!!

One step at a time.

Since I was young, I thought my life was laid out....not in the most perfect manner..but in an averagely acceptable way. My achievement, my progress, my relation with friends and family are all good. I don't question about life that much. I was happy to believe You did everything for me, to ensure my life is smooth sailing.
I know, in life, there are ups and downs. People go through pain, to get laughter. You are always fair. You ensure everyone has the same amount of happines and sorrow.
But why do I go through months of pain, and heartaches? Without any way to start realizing I could walk out of it without fear.
Deep in me, I fear to face the fact. I lack the encouragement to make the decision.
And I thought, I was strong...

I am grateful I have friends...whose support, keep me going.
And I know I'm a disappointment to them.
I know it hurts them to see me fall.
I know if there is anything in the world they could do to help me stand again..they would go the extra mile for me...to ensure I could smile again.

But at the end of the day. I know, only I can help myself.
-God will only help those who help themselves-

Everything happens for a reason....
I hope this is happening for a good course. I have faith that after a long walk in the cave, I will finally see ray of hope in the end...and emerge as somebody better.

Surprise me to see this..

I used to blog in friendster before I started out blogging in blogspot instead.
Surprise me that, after so long, and forgetting what i had been writing there..someone link me over to my long forgotten diary...
This is a cut and paste of it:

"Girls rulezzz….!!!
Recently, I met up with 2 old friends… and we talked about lots of things, about life, and studies. About, past, present and future. It’s funny how people often pose me this question, "Are you stil single?", and their response will always be the same to my answer, "Why??", "How come"??….haha…yes,I am stil single, and so what if I am stil single.People view life as…to grow up, study hard, have a gf, marry, have a career, have kids, and you will have a perfect life. Well, I have a different view towards my life. But I ain’t going to leak anything about my plans, just yet.Yes, I admit, having a perfect bf is every girls’ dream. To meet their prince charming, and to have him sweep you off the ground. But, the truth is, there is no prince charming. This world is full of, either too manipulative guys, or too dumb guys….and nothing in between.I stil remember how I often explain it, over and over again to my mum, and friends, that I have yet to come by someone that fits my bill….someone fluent in English (preferably Eng ed),musically inclined, filial son, gentleman, and posses brains at least enough to gain respect from society. And, I will always remember how my mum always says, IN YOUR DREAMS!!Yaya…better in my dreams than to hook up with people just for the sake of getting a companion.Ning always tell me, that I am in the wrong place, at the wrong time. That TARC is not a place for me. Hm….maybe I should have accepted my dad’s offer to change to Sunway…haha…maybe my prince charming is there??…..But, who cares, to me, the most important thing, is to be happy with what I have now. And, I do thank god, for everything I have now.I read, in someone’s profile, that " Friends are forever, and guys are whatever"….hey! A very good saying indeed!!!
So, yay! To my "ji mui", esp the one with the most probs with her bf…..don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. Don’t let him determine where your life should lead to. This is the world where girls rule now!!"

I must admit. For me to read that again..I am filled with embarrassment. How could I write such a thing without even putting myself to test..on whether I'm able to walk the talk.
I remember telling my friends who are unhappy in their relationship, to just dump THE guy, and move on. There are so many fishes in the sea. There are so many trees in the forest.
Why be with someone who doesn't appreciate u?
Why put up with a jerk?
Why deprieve yourself of knowing better guys?
Why make yourself so worthless?
Can you believe it? It all came from ME!! ME!! ME!!
I wonder..will I ever be able to think like that again?
I search deep into myself...keep asking myself with tonnes and tonnes of questions...with no answers at all.
Why do i feel like I have been badly defeated now?
Why do i feel like I am no more myself?
Will i ever wake up one day...and be able to think out of the box instead?

I love reading Xiaxue's blog...and here is a quote from one of her recent blog that enables me to see hope in my own life.

"One day just snapped out of it and realised that I'm at least worth a guy committing to me instead of just playing me around. A man who'd love me and think I'm perfect. Not a man who thinks the next girl might be better or more suitable for him than me.Fuck that shit. I fucking had enough of JERKS who think they are all that! I'd rather be single than be treated like a dispensable and slightly used plastic fork!"

This whole day was a total messed up day for me. With me having to deal with someone who got me so emotionally fuck up. (and I thought he was an insignificant person in my life)

I come to realise, it's always too early to judge someone, to brand that someone on the forehead, to come up with an impression, to give SIRIM chop (Ning??), .......(and I actually contemplated giving my full commitment??!!!)

Should I blame it on bad timing again? (I'm on holidays and he's busy)
Or should I blame it on his arrogance again? (just like what I did 3 years ago)
Or should I just say........no fate? ( Purrrrfect!!!) Undeniably, blaming it on luck, on God, on fate, is always the easiet thing to do.

I know...being in a relationship is not easy.
Keeping one, and maintaining it in a stable condition....is definitely NOT that easy too.
It requires the effort from two party. The commitment..(oh, I forgot...I did not give mine)....***
okay, I have nothing to say dy.

Ning! If only you're around, I'm positively sure you'll be able to see...and I mean, really see it in me....that I try to be nice!
Ning....I try to be understanding.
Ning.... I learn to apologise. (finally)
Ning....I'm so much more toned down now.
I don't throw my tantrums, get fired up so fast, or start swearing.....(okay, yaya..I know u're shaking your head in disbelief..FINE!! I admit...I do...sometimes).......but Ning, it's not that bad like how I treated you last time! And you survived through my torture chamber!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And you love me more now...lol! :-)

Ning, I always remember what you said last time..."you gotta learn to bend a little"
and I'm not bending a little. I'm bending a lot here.

Haiz...I know you're stress out too..with your sports, and studies there....in Lion Land.
That's why I don't want to trouble you with my probs.
I know, when you're free, you'll eventually check here for my latest updates.

I'm shattered. All I want is to have you here. Bamboo Ning,you may be tall and it's a little hard for panda to cry on your shoulder, but your shoulder is the best to cry on.

Oh, by the way, Ning, don't worry. You know, I fall fast, and I pick myself up pretty quick too. That's how I learn to be tough.
Tomorrow will be a better day for me.

.................. :-{

When I'm feeling upset, I always wish Ning is with me.
She's the shoulder I cry on, the place I complain my thousand and one dissatisfaction, the person who listens to my every pine and whine, talks to me when I don't feel like talking, listen to me when I need to be heard.
She could practically accomodate to me in every aspect.

It sucks without her, and having no other people I can trust whom I can pour out what's in my heart.

She found me a guy whom she thinks has the potential of being the next her.
Hah....it took us 16 years to finally understand each other....does she really think it's that easy for some other random guy to replace her???!!!

I'm so easily angered by little things....easily flared up by what others say.
Yet....at times...I'm at total peace....when I'm so not bothered about my surroundings.When I really can practise being patient.

My moodswing is bad again.