Where have I been

I haven't been updating my blog for a very long time, I know.
Wasn't really in the mood to do so.
When I tried to log in, I was actually wondering whether my username and password can still be used....

I dont know whether it's just me being ungrateful, or it is true that I am plain unlucky in life.
As hard as I tried to prove myself worthy of my existence in the office, or rather, as a team member, I realise, conflict arises wherever I go. Many times I tried to reflect on mistakes, and unfortunate situation that befalls me, I dont go about pointing fingers blaming on one party. However, no matter how hard I tried to work, and amend mistakes, I don't think I was given the fair chance to redeem myself. I feel so demotivated.
Sometimes, I really can't justify working over weekends and late nights, right after being told off that I would be evaluated badly for mistakes I made because I wasn't competent enough during work. Sometimes I wonder, do people even evaluate themselves first, to see whether they themselves, give clear and proper guidance. To take a minute, step back and recall that once, they were just the same. As blur as I am now. As inefficient as I am now.

It truly amazes me, how people can change as they slowly gain recognition and position. From low level assoicate to senior, and eventually to assistant manager, manager, and so on. When they finally comprehend the entire situation, and understand everything on how a company works, they forget that there are lower level associates who have not achieved THEIR level of understanding YET, due to lack of experience. These associates will be just as good as THEM given the amount of time, proper guidance and exposure. I dare say, maybe even better than these bunch of high level people who apparently forget how they, as human, made mistakes too.

I hate people who take conflict during work so personally, they go all out to make your life miserable.

Very much like a robot

I wake up everyday, going about the same routine.
Stare at the ceiling for some time, before I drag myself out from bed, get ready for work, stare again into my cupboard with almost not many work attires to choose from.
Since when have I stopped having interest in clothes? I have been so occupied with work, shopping has been the last thing on my mind.
Everyday,I constantly complain like a machine, tuned to go about grumbling bout the same issue over and over. I hate my life, I find fault with myself, I allow myself to go deeper and deeper into miseries, I have lost control over my own emotion. And days after days, I hate myself for becoming someone I didn't know I could be. A personality I never thought existed in myself all this while.
What happen to that happy-go-lucky girl?
What happen to the girl who used to be so contented with life, she didn't think she needed any changes at all?
What happen to the girl who loved going out, be it late night parties, or just occasional drinking sessions?
What happen to the girl who made shopping the ultimate love of her life?
WHAT HAPPEN TO ME?

Trying so hard each day, to patch my life back, bit by bit, it is painful, tiring and very mentally exhausting. All the confusions I have inside myself, my bundled up emotions, the emotional baggage I carry, and the drifting thoughts I have, I don't know where my life is leading to.

I guess I have made history in my life by exhausting friends of their patience to console me, to comfort me, and to tell me, everything will be ok.
I feel so miserable deep inside. With all the unachieved dream I have. All the hope and effort I put into things I do, leading to negative consequences in the end.
As much as I want to lead a simple and normal life, there is just the greed in me, that yearns for something more.

Life is so frustrating when one after another events happen, making me understand that,
"EVERY SUCCESS COMES WITH HARDWORK. BUT NOT EVERY HARDWORK ENDS WITH SUCCESS."

Ning and her awesome friends

After realising I have more than half of my friends being "banana", and by me moving my blog to a 100% chinese writing blog, I seem to have really achieved my objective in stopping friends to read bout my personal life.
But then again, it pretty much look to me that I am in control of what to blog. So, I guess, my move to close down this blog permanently is not that wise after all.
Therefore, I plan to continue blogging here..

I went to Singapore for a short trip. For many reasons I do not want to disclose here, but of course, one very obvious reason, is to spend time with my bestfriend, Ning.

In this picture, there are four of us, with the other two being Ning's very good friends, who happened to make my stay in Singapore an awesome one too. Besides them, I have my very own best roommate, Yin Tee jie, and best college mate, Wei Jian, who took the trouble to meet up with me, and ensure my trip there was a splendid one too.

I am glad that I have such great friends, I am starting to think, life isn't treating me that bad after all.

Moved.

I have moved to another blog.
It is somewhere very few of you would expect me to end up.
If you are a loyal reader of mine, and would like to follow my blog (provided you understand what I write in my new blog..:-p) , do send me a message at:
erny_tan87@hotmail.com
to request for my new blog link.

Thank you.
and till then, take care.

This feeling sucks

People often say, when you hit rock bottom, what will the next thing to happen?
Is that you go up.

How true is that? When I analyse my life, and to realise that I have been hitting rock bottom for like what? More than 18months. And I'm still swimming in the deep blue sea, all I can feel is, yes, rock bottom. Can't even see the sky above to even visualise days of happiness..

I look around everyday, observing different people in life. Some are simply too good with hiding and burying their feelings, while, some, like me, gets emotional very fast. Of course, the weaker ones always lose out in every aspect.
Recently nothing seems to flow with me. Everything is so wrong. I do not want constant excitement, and continuous laughter in life. But I guess, a little peace and harmony wouldn't be too much of a request??
Why do shit happens? To make you stronger?? and how? how does it even help?

I'm so not happy here. So.Not.Happy.

Dear God, is it too much for me to ask for some changes? Bit of enlightenment. Some motivation. Courage. And self realisation? Have I ask from You too much when I was younger, and this is how I should repay for it?

Realization.

Have you ever waken up one day, and come to the realization that whoever you're dating now, just isn't the right one?
And deep down inside, you know that in your quest to look for your future husband, the best thing you can do for yourself is to give this one up.
But as much as you assure yourself that you'll be alright, there is just too much emotional attachement involved, the courage you have inside, though growing stronger and stronger each day, you're still unable to convince yourself that letting go, would be doing yourself a great favour.
Instead of waking up each day, wondering into space, why you put yourself through such torture. And faith is the only thing that keeps you holding on. Holding on, believing that things will fall into pieces on its own. And believing that going with the flow is how life should be.

It seriously does not work this way. Yes, sitting here and whine till dawn meet dusk, nothing is going to change...unless someone do something about it. And if neither have the courage to voice out, then we'll both be jolly well stuck in our own comfort zone for God knows how long.

I'm just as emo as these pictures:

THE look.

No. This post ain't going to be anything bout look. I'm just trying to be creative with my title, and it's quite obvious that I failed miserably here.
Anyway, well, something related to the title, a picture of myself.


Life is just a mess now for me. I don't know how much to disclose here, knowing that my blog is made public, I need to weigh the consequences of writing too much personal stuff here.
But at the moment, I think I'm having a pretty screwed up time. Don't be deceived by the smiling photo above.